birth story // lucy jane 7.21.14 // part one

// I have been writing this for what seems forever. It is really long, but I don't ever want to forget this day! //

Saturday July 19
I woke up just after midnight with what I felt to be my first "real" contractions. They were similar to Braxton Hicks because my stomach became so tight, but different because they were quite painful. When they kept waking me up I decided to keep track of how frequently they were coming. I realized they were about ten minutes apart, but they stopped just in time for me to get an hour or two of sleep before I needed to get ready for my last shower! All I could think about as I was having those contractions was how I was going into labor and that I would be missing my shower that my family had put so much work into!

But everything worked out--I made it to my shower (that was so wonderful and perfect!) and I kept having these contractions throughout the day but they were just random and at least bearable. I was worried about going to sleep that night because I knew it would be similar to my many other sleepless nights (before it was due to discomfort, now it was just those darn contractions!). I was right.

Sunday July 20
Another night of inconsistent, but frequent contractions made me one tired girl. I went to church and I was having a few contractions an hour.

Throughout the rest of the day I was still having these contractions, but again, they were inconsistent. And painful, oh so painful.

Around 8:00pm we decided to start keeping track--so in the notes on my phone I made a list of times marking each contraction from 8:03pm to 6:47am. Needless to say, I did not get much sleep and neither did Jeff because of my moaning every so many minutes. (These are screenshots of the times of my contractions...it was a long night...)



Monday July 21
I was totally miserable and getting a few minutes of sleep at a time is an exhausting experience. I finally told Jeff to go upstairs and sleep on the couch because there was nothing he could do to help me and he needed some sleep. I had called the nurse sometime in the middle of the night and she didn't really tell me anything that was extremely helpful. I knew the hospital wouldn't admit me unless my contractions were between 3-5 minutes apart and continually getting more painful. My contractions were so close to this, but they just didn't seem quite close enough yet.

But they were so painful so finally I decided to construct a text I would make my dad send to the doctor I was supposed to have an appointment with that afternoon (he actually knew him and I had never met him). I wrote the long text telling the doctor of my situation and then waited until it reached 6am to wake my dad so he could send it. He sent it and Dr. Jacob wrote back almost immediately. He told me to wait another hour and see if things get better, if they got worse I should go into labor and delivery. They were getting worse and my contractions were now 3-4 minutes apart. I was in so much pain and so tired I felt sick. My dad and husband gave me a priesthood blessing (which made me less nervous) then we put my stuff in the car and headed to the hospital.

We got to the hospital around 7am and it was pretty smooth checking in because we had been there a week or so before because of "decreased fetal movement" (Lucy wasn't moving as much as she had been, but she ended up being fine). The nurse hooked me up to the little machine and checked to see if I was dilated at all. I ended up being at a 1 and 90% effaced. (She actually had to go get another nurse to examine me because she couldn't find my cervix--it was extremely thinned out). They said they would keep me for an hour and if I had progressed at all they wouldn't send me home. Much to my dismay I hadn't budged. And the contractions were getting more painful, but they weren't that close together anymore.

They gave me a shot of morphine for the pain and told me to go rest. Dr. Jacob stopped by and said that there was no need to go to my appointment later because they had already checked me out, but if anything changed by the time it rolled around I was still welcome to go. We were a little disappointed and I felt so defeated, convinced I was in a for a longgg three or more weeks.

I tried eating a little and drinking lots of water. When we got home Jeff took an ambien and went straight to bed. So I wouldn't bother him I stayed up in bed with my mom and tried to rest. I got short increments of sleep but the morphine shot didn't seem to be helping. I was totally out of it, but my sweet mom just watched as I was tried to fight through the pain. As the time got closer I knew I had to go to my doctor's appointment by slight chance I had progressed a tiny bit. The contractions were getting hard to breathe through as Jeff and I sat in the waiting room for our appointment. I'm sure people were quite concerned for me, but I was hurting too much to care.

Dr. Jacob came in and examined me and as he was doing so was trying to let me down easy. He kept saying, "you know sometimes this can go on for quite some time, so just be prepared..." But then the look on his face changed and he was SO excited to tell me that I had reached a FOUR. You could tell he was surprised and told me I was definitely ready to be checked in to the hospital. Jeff got emotional when Dr. Jacob told us we would be having our baby that very night! And I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with relief. She was really coming!! We had hoped and prayed our baby girl would come early but we could have never dreamed she would be this early.

Luckily Jeff and I had left my stuff in the car so we were all ready to go. We were both so nervous and excited as we walked out to the car and drove to the hospital. I was still in pain but it almost felt better knowing she was on her way. We called our family and told them this was it! 

// part two to follow //

from my drafts: [on being pregnant//4.28.14]

I found this draft of a post I had written while pregnant...so here I am reminiscing as I look at the result napping right beside me.

//

Before I was pregnant I used to tell my husband that Lucy was just up there waiting for us to bring her down. I said it playfully, but at the same time I honestly felt like she was. And seeing as how it only took us about a month to get pregnant (I don't say this lightly--we are incredibly and greatly blessed), I think I can safely say, she was definitely ready and waiting. Don't ask me how I knew we would have a girl first, I guess we just have a special bond, this little one and I.

I have had a hard time writing words down that could properly and possibly express my feelings on this whole adventure. There have been a million and one emotions. I'm kind of in awe at this moment in my life. I didn't know I could love someone so much that I haven't even officially met yet. I think I will try to back track a little and pinpoint a few pivotal experiences.

In November, I had a really bad pain in my stomach and I got really sick--while at school--so I took the rest of the day off and I just kept thinking I should take a pregnancy test. So I did, and it was negative. My mom was really worried about me so she told me to call the doctor, which made me feel silly because there wasn't really anything anyone could do. About a week later, I realized my period was late. My parents were going to the store and asked Jeff and I if we needed anything...I said casually, "Oh yeah, could you grab me a pregnancy test? That would be great." They seemed a little shocked, but agreed to it (My parents searching for and buying a pregnancy test is actually hilarious. Especially since they had to ask for help:) So Jeff and I were both up bright and early the next morning for work and we decided to just see. We didn't get our hopes up because everyone had warned us about how long it can take to get pregnant...but sure enough those two little lines showed up (faintly). We looked at each other like, wait, is this real?? Then of course, even though he had previously been against telling anyone, Jeff told me to go tell my mom. So I woke up my parents (at six in the morning) and said something to the effect of, "Umm...I'm pretty sure the pregnancy test was positive! As in, I'm pregnant!" Of course my mom had to see for herself and we freaked out in the best way possible.

We happened to be leaving the day we found out to California for Thanksgiving. We had all these plans to tell people in a special way and to wait until Christmas, but of course we just couldn't hold it in. Jeff blurted it out every chance he got (seriously, literally just called out, Well! Molly's having a baby! at his family party). On Thanksgiving we Facetimed all of my siblings and they were all so excited. My sister started to cry when I told her! I can't tell you how special that was for me.

During the first few weeks I actually knew I was pregnant, I had never been so tired in my life. I felt like a zombie walking around. It didn't help that the night we returned from California my grandma passed away and after that I ended up getting sick and stayed sick for about a month (not pregnancy sick...just cold sick...on top of being tired...and being a teacher...which made me lose my voice). It was also the month of December that the nausea hit. I can tell you it is quite fun to experience nausea. I started throwing up every morning and night. The first time I threw up Jeff was so excited because he felt like this meant I was really pregnant (I'm still not sure why he thought I wasn't:) Sometimes eating helped, sometimes it didn't. There were definitely foods that repulsed me (see: pickles, anything fried, and salad). Poor Jeffrey had to deal with me going to Hawaii (worst flight ever when dealing with nausea) and to make matters worse, I came down with the flu the day after we got there. Basically, the first couple months of being pregnant were long and hard. But I had the best husband to take care of me.

At the end of January, once we started telling people besides family I started feeling great! As soon as I was out of that first trimester, the nausea died down and my belly has been growing ever since. It didn't really start to pop until right around 20 weeks. And once I popped, I feel like I really popped. Baby girl just decided to show herself. Around the same time I started feeling these little bubbles pushing up against the inside of my stomach. I was kind of in love with the flutter. I felt like it was this special thing just between she and I. 

At 23 weeks, my mom and I were sitting in the temple on a Thursday afternoon (April 10th to be exact) my girl was just kicking away. My mom wanted to see if she could feel her, and she could! It was the sweetest moment ever. A couple days later she was going at it again and Jeff finally got to feel her as well and this time we could even see it! We were so thrilled I started to cry. It was just such a sweet experience.

There are little moments that made this whole thing a lot more real to me than the sight of my ever-growing tummy--I can't help but love when Lexi talks to my tummy or Beckham prays for my baby when blessing the food. Nothing made it more real for me though than when the ultra-sound tech told me I was having a girl and gave me that little white polka-dot bow.

I'm so in love with this time and with my baby girl. When I saw her all cuddled up on the ultrasound, I didn't think my heart could take so much happiness. She’s definitely mine, of that I am sure. She is a cuddler and I couldn't adore that more.

I’m literally hungry all the time and completely exhausted, but gosh, growing this tiny human is surreal.

hiccups. (and being 24).

Lucy girl had the hiccups early, early Sunday morning. I can think of few sweeter things than feeling that little, consistent nudge inside of me. It was maybe 5am and I made Jeff feel it too. I love that we both get so excited about her kicks and movements. She's getting quite active and I'm so in love.

I turned 24, which is kind of big news. It makes me feel old. Especially since it was also my graduation day (2 years late--but hey! I was doing an internship...;) But it was a wonderful day. When I shook Dr. Crowe's hand (one of my favorite professors who is over the English Teaching program) he said, "Molly Jane! You're looking rather pregnant!" Always knows what to say, that Dr. Crowe. I laughed. It made me happy that so many people shared my happiness in finishing. I guess even if it takes you a little longer to do it, graduating from college is still a pretty cool thing to do. It makes me a little sad to be completely moving on from this campus that I adore. Especially when I'll be moving completely on in the Fall--moving away...with a baby! Growing up is a wild thing, I tell you. 

summer dreaming.

I'm so close I can almost taste it.

I never could have imagined that the excitement and longing for Fridays and Summer as a teenager could be 

so much stronger 

as a teacher. 

I made a list of Summer goals yesterday which include but are not limited to...

a book a week

lots of cleaning

ridding myself of clothes and papers

and preparing for a couple of big things coming up

like a baby

and moving across the country. 

Oh June, you can't come soon enough.

on being a teacher.

Let me tell you the best thing about the last eight months of my life: I have grown exponentially. Becoming a teacher is possibly the best decision (besides getting married) I have ever made. It has been surprising. Exhausting. Overwhelming. Beautiful. Wonderful. Uncomfortable. Awkward. And just all around trying.

There are days I hate my students. There are days I could just give a great big hug to each and every one of them (which would be totally inappropriate of course). Teaching is such an interesting profession. And honestly, there is no way to fully comprehend how demanding and just downright hard it is until you've done it yourself.

Today marks the first day of fourth term. FOURTH TERM. Can I tell you something? That is a feat. It really is. A few weeks ago I had my exit interview with my BYU professor who has acted as my supervisor over the last year. As an intern, I'm still technically a student (or at least I was last semester) and I had to do a final interview where we discuss how things have gone so far, where I plan on going, how my students are doing, yada, yada, yada. I was terribly nervous for this particular meeting. I don't know why, I just knew that going into it, I was feeling particularly low in the teaching department. (3rd term/March does that to you--even veteran teachers I hear). This is why I nearly cried when Dr. Ostenson looked me in the eye and said something to the effect of, "There is no doubt in my mind that you need to be teaching in the classroom." Speechless. Really? Are  you sure? I didn't even have to ask him those questions because of how positive he was in his statement. And that truly made my experience worth it. I really feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. And it feels incredible. He gave me a really, really nice recommendation letter and was just genuinely kind and complementary. He told me I by far had THE most difficult student out of any of the Interns this year and that made me feel like I seriously accomplished something big here.

Now I didn't say all of that just to brag, I said it because I want to remember it. I keep saying it, but this year was hard. And heaven knows there were many tears shed and many days I went to bed instead of dealing with it. But you know what? I made it! I really did! And that should be shared. Remembered. Applauded.

I couldn't be more grateful for my experience this year. And I look forward to my future experiences as a teacher. I can't say I feel 100% ready to be a parent, but gosh am I prepared. And I can owe that to my education as a teacher (and so many other things, but in large part to this).

And even though we started state testing today (five full days for the first round…yikes!), and one of my students most definitely submitted one sentence instead of a multi-paragraph essay (still mad at him about it), I'm quite excited for this term and for my last moments with these cute little 7th graders.

months of missing.

My thoughts on being a teacher, a letter to my baby girl (that I'm having in AUGUST! I have no idea how I'm already 5 months along...), and how I feel about moving to NYC will be happening here soon. I've realized that I desperately need some sort of outlet and I really miss writing. So here I am again, after so many months of missing on my blog.

To say my life is going to be changing soon is a bit of an understatement. I don't even know how to explain the thoughts constantly racing in my head. It is surreal and wonderful and overwhelming all at the same time. I'm an emotional wreck most days because, well, pregnancy will do that to you. But I also feel all sorts of blessed to be where I'm at. So many things to be thankful for! Know what I mean?

"Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever." Alma 26:12

Life is a miracle, don't you think? I'm kind of in love with my little miracle of a life.