my very own personal ferris wheel partner.

You guys. 

Sometimes I get stressed because I'm one of those high-stress people.

Not that I have a lot of stress in my life, well sometimes I do, but I just worry and well, stress (about every little thing). 

But today (as I was being productive and getting rid of my endless amounts of clothes), 

I just kept thinking

how I am so excited for what life has in store for me.

I get to marry this super awesome guy who is perfect for me.

He used to always tell me this (how perfect we are for each other), but I never believed him.

I generally value myself an optimist. 

Though when it came to this whole marriage thing, I must admit, 

I have been the ultimate pessimist.

I've always wanted to be married, but there is a difference between wanting and dreaming of such a thing and then actually going through with it. 

I can explain it no further. And I can only imagine it is a different experience for everyone.

All I know for sure at this moment is that lately I have had this feeling, 

the one you get right before something amazing is about to happen.

The one you can feel all the way down to your toes. 

It is anticipation, delight, nervousness, happiness, and flat-out overwhelming(ness)

all wrapped into one.

I've been thinking about all the things we get to do with each other.

We get to do things like dress up for halloween together. 

Travel the world together.

Eat breakfast, lunch and dinner together.

Budget our money together.

Decide things. together.

Have a family together.

Go to the grocery store together.

I just am really ecstatic about having a permanent partner for ferris wheels, roller coasters, airports, movies, parties, hand holding, laughing, dancing, nap taking, and all those other things that are that much better when you don't have to do them alone.  

We get to be a team.

We get to be a we.

We get to be together.

And on top of all that, he's pretty darn cute. Don't you think?

what I'll tell my kids someday.

The story. The one you dream of telling your children and your children's children. The one I'm sure we'll tell over and over again, and be happy to do so. The one that overtime will be muddled and exaggerated, but always told with love.

Someday, I'll probably tell them things like this:

When it began it was slow and different and good.
He was patient and loving and kind.
I was confused and flattered and happy.

We began to date. And date. And date.
And when I say date...I mean we went on dates. Every weekend. He reserved me.

There are a couple parts that are hard to explain. Years of inexplicable time. Lots of comings and goings--mentally and physically. And that's just it. It had a lot to do with time. Timing. Not my timing, not his. But the Lord's timing. Which I can promise you, is real.

And here is where I can promise those kids of mine, that I'll be telling this story to, how individually and personally their Heavenly Father knows them. Truly, He does. And how do I know this? Because He shows me. He knew I needed the fight. I needed to know. I needed to be sure. I needed someone who wouldn't give up on me. Someone who would be patient with me.

This isn't to say he was perfect. Neither of us were. And just so they know, this fighting was never really with each other, only for. We wanted to be together, just didn't know how or when or why. But it was clear, no one was giving up.

And here is the part in the story where I plan on telling them about those moments. The overwhelming moments, the ones that feel like you're looking at the most beautiful scene in the entire world. The sun rising after climbing to the top of a mountain. Walking across the Millennium bridge staring at St. Paul's. Standing on a fortress in Salzburg, in the snow, watching the sun go down. All of those seem small compared to the moments I spent just quietly sitting next to him, feeling goodness. Quiet, loving, wonderful, goodness.

Then I'll reassure them over and over again that sometimes things hit you in the face. Hard. And sometimes they are little tiny whispers on an airplane like, "I can't imagine what a day would be like without some small trace of you."

I'll probably stress (deeply) how utterly important it is to really love the ones you love. Be sweet to them. Care for them. Don't ever let them wonder. Because without those people, the ones that you see everyday, or the ones you don't, your life wouldn't mean much. Without those big love feelings, the small, oreo-eating-sitting-on-the-couch-watching-tv-moments wouldn't mean as much either. And I like to think that those I-just-like-being-with-you-because-we-laugh-a-lot moments are expressions of the big love feelings, but hardly noticeable when you don't let them know. Or you don't recognize them as such moments.

I'll tell them how I fell in love with their daddy because he is smart and he thinks so differently than me. He is quirky and goofy. And I knew he'd make the best dad. He is good at everything I am not. He loves the gospel, he absolutely adores me, and I can't think of anything else you really need.

side note: I wrote this months ago but never posted it. I have found that everything in it still stands, even truer than it did before. I had some stuff to figure out. and I did. I figured it all out. I'm quite happy to say that I'm getting married!!! And I decided that nothing would make me happier when I realized I've always loved having Jeffrey in my life and I can't stand the idea of not being with him forever. 

let's.

[always]
tell each other secrets all the time. even when we feel like we know everything. (especially then).
whisper. and be still. enjoy each other.
dance. even though you hate it.
forgive.
change, be different every day. if different means better.


laugh.

above all, let's laugh.

oh, love.

Read this love letter by Richard Feynman. It is the sweetest thing. I can barely stand it. 

[source]

In June of 1945, Arline Feynman — high-school sweetheart and wife of the hugely influential physicist, Richard Feynman — passed away after succumbing to tuberculosis. She was 25-years-old. 16 months later, in October of 1946, Richard wrote his late wife the following love letter and sealed it in an envelope. It remained unopened until after his death in 1988.

(Source: Genius: The Life and Science of Richard Feynman)

October 17, 1946

D’Arline,

I adore you, sweetheart.

I know how much you like to hear that — but I don't only write it because you like it — I write it because it makes me warm all over inside to write it to you.

It is such a terribly long time since I last wrote to you — almost two years but I know you'll excuse me because you understand how I am, stubborn and realistic; and I thought there was no sense to writing.

But now I know my darling wife that it is right to do what I have delayed in doing, and that I have done so much in the past. I want to tell you I love you. I want to love you. I always will love you.

I find it hard to understand in my mind what it means to love you after you are dead — but I still want to comfort and take care of you — and I want you to love me and care for me. I want to have problems to discuss with you — I want to do little projects with you. I never thought until just now that we can do that. What should we do. We started to learn to make clothes together — or learn Chinese — or getting a movie projector. Can't I do something now? No. I am alone without you and you were the "idea-woman" and general instigator of all our wild adventures.

When you were sick you worried because you could not give me something that you wanted to and thought I needed. You needn’t have worried. Just as I told you then there was no real need because I loved you in so many ways so much. And now it is clearly even more true — you can give me nothing now yet I love you so that you stand in my way of loving anyone else — but I want you to stand there. You, dead, are so much better than anyone else alive.

I know you will assure me that I am foolish and that you want me to have full happiness and don't want to be in my way. I'll bet you are surprised that I don't even have a girlfriend (except you, sweetheart) after two years. But you can't help it, darling, nor can I — I don't understand it, for I have met many girls and very nice ones and I don't want to remain alone — but in two or three meetings they all seem ashes. You only are left to me. You are real.

My darling wife, I do adore you.

I love my wife. My wife is dead.

Rich.

PS Please excuse my not mailing this — but I don't know your new address.

....

What did you think? Part of me wanted to cry.
What a man. What a love. What a letter.

happiness is...

cinnamon buns ice cream {I love you ben and jerry}
underlining words in books {mostly the pretty ones}

seeing friends on campus {I wish I could see them more}

two hour classes {as opposed to four}

pretend Spring {snow, I love you, but you let me down this year}

forehead kisses {a special kind of comfort}

being engaged {I'm kind of over-the-moon about it}

seeing my fiancé whenever possible {which isn't a lot, but he's kind of my favorite}

sleepless in seattle {seriously, it never gets old}

a [public] love note for my valentine.

 

one.

The way you laugh. When you're really laughing.

two.

The way you hold my hand.

three.

The way you look at me like you couldn't adore anything more.

four.
The way you play with my nephews. (And how they love you).

five.

How much you love chocolate. LOVE it.

six.

How you sing when I least expect it. And when it's surprisingly applicable.

seven.

How you surprise me every day. In the best of ways.

eight.

How hard you work for things. 

nine.

That you're my little reminder. To be better (and not forget things).

ten.

That your mind is possibly the most analytical thing I've ever encountered.

eleven.

That you're always there for me. Even when I don't ask you to be.

twelve.

That you're probably the most patient guy I know :)

but...

Happy Valentine's Day, Jeffrey!

I kind of love you and stuff. 

because I feel like love is all I want to talk about in February [the loveliest of all the months] or at least all I want to look at...

and things in my life are pretty lovely too.

things to say.

It has been a while.
And lots has happened.
Lots, I tell you.
Good things. Surprising things. Happy things.

Life has happend, I guess you could say.

And I meant to write, really, I did.
I started many words, statements, paragraphs.
Put together, they might someday equal something great.

But sometimes I forget to have the time for things
like putting words together.
Which is something I miss.

So, for right now, the best I can come up with is this:


"it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were suppose to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic."

Because I just can't get it off my mind.
It is a quote from a favorite movie.
One that I have posted before.
And for some reason, it has made more sense to me in the past couple of months
than I ever thought it could.

This is all just to say:
I'm back.
And I'm planning on staying a while.

on the art of: loving me.

 If you are going to mention my looks, tell me I'm beautiful.
Not because I'm pretty, but because you like the way my hair looks when I've done nothing to it at all.
Or the way my eyes go kind of crazy sometimes. 
Don't say special words too frequently, but don't make me wonder either.
If I want to dance, dance with me.
Never tell me I'm perfect, and love my flaws as you do the good.
If I'm sad, turn on Sleepless in Seattle or Breakfast at Tiffany's.
I like the idea of doing nothing together.
Though, I'm keen on spontaneity too.
Take me on drives and let me be dj.
On road trips, I sing Wicked, you're welcome to join.
Don't ever take me too seriously. (And just laugh when I do it to myself)
Let me tell you stories or worthless facts or my literary ideas. Pretending to be interested is all I really need. 
I find nothing quite as romantic as just thinking about me. In the smallest of ways.  
You'll find out quickly there is nothing more important to me than my family.

I believe in magic, in romance and in the good sides of people.
And eventually I get around to being optimistic.

The song "She's Got a Way" melts my heart.
If you played it for me [with me in mind], I'd think seriously about  marrying you.

you have to try.

"Love is passion. Obsession. Someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heals. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk. If you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is, there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love--well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

-meet joe black

image

she's a married woman.

My best friend was married today. And this picture basically sums it all up.

I love her. 

(and Eric too)

As you can tell, he loves mine and Hayley's relationship (the stare down) 

Weddings are wonderful.

I love love.

The new Mr. and Mrs. Markus are perfectly happy and crazy in love.

(that's the way it should be).

to no home I'd ever known.

"it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were suppose to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic."

How does this happen? Is it real? The magic part?

I feel as if I've been brainwashed into thinking things are supposed to go a certain way. But then, some people tell me that real life isn't like the movies. Others tell me it really does go that way. They say "you just know". "It just feels right". "Everything is so perfect".

Do you really 'just know'?

This stuff gets curiouser and curiouser to me.

Sometimes I feel as if I'll never know. I can hardly ever make up my mind as it is. But knowing something like that, with such surety?

Kind of big deal that is.

just sayin'

there's just too many.

I've been trying to compile a top ten favorite movie list...and for a moment...I thought I had finished it...but then I realized it would basically be impossible. I just love too many movies.

I decided I'm okay with just loving all movies though. Why should I pick favorites when there really isn't any need?

"I've been coming here every summer of my adult life, and every summer there she is oiling and lotioning, lotioning and oiling... smiling. I can't take this no more!"

"I've got a thing for guys who've got a thing for me"

"Once you been up there you know you've been someplace."

"A girl should be two things, classy and fabulous" (the movie is in french...that's just a quote by her)

"What? I'm being her mother! That's what mothers do with daughters; they talk about how to look prettier."

"Because it's magic. Magic has to be believed. It's the only way it's real."

"This is one of those key moments in life, when it's possible you can be really, genuinely cool - and I'm failing 100%. I absolutely and totally and utterly adore you and I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world and more importantly I genuinely believe and have believed for some time now that we can be best friends."

"There's a difference between like and love. Because, I like my Skechers, but I love my Prada backpack."

"We have to go shopping. Your shirt is bedazzled."
"Bedazzled with rhinestones!"

"The only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!"

"How come when I wanted to ask Eunice out everyone made fun of me, but then Sebastian likes her and suddenly she's cool? Screw you guys. I hate high school."

"Destiny is something we've invented because we can't stand the fact that everything that happens is accidental."

"What happens if a car comes?"
"We die."

"It's not because I don't love you... Because I do. And it's not because I don't miss you, because I miss you already. It'll just mean that I'm not better. And the story isn't over yet."

"He's so... He's so... He's so rich."



There is always a movie that will make me feel better.
At least for 90 minutes or so (generally longer as I think about it for long after it ends).

It is not any fun at all trying to put a number on my love.
(and I did try)

but that's just so you know. (which I'm sure you were dying to. hah.)

(OH, and yes, I do have waaaay too much time on my hands at work.)

today.

I'm in love with him.

and that's really all I have to say. happy sunday.

valentines for all you loves of mine.

(a boy gave me flowers. his name is jeff. {no really, aren't they beautiful?})

I love this day because my mom always has. I think it might be her favorite holiday. Ever since forever she has left us little valentines (pink and heart-shaped) marked with a love letter, set up with our favorite treats (like chocolate covered strawberries) and other special things.

Today she woke me and Alex up to feed us a surprise breakfast of crepes (or icelandic pancakes). And at each place there was a lovely valentine (pink and heart-shaped) and a goodie (like a heart-shaped cakebite {heavenly}).

(On Alex's she expressed how crazy he drives her, but how she loves him still)

Oh how I love my mom. She's one of the loveliest people I know. And I'm grateful she taught me how to love.

I hope everyone's day was filled with loveliness.

and hearts (of all shapes and sizes).

xoxo

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.”

lovebirds.

2 years ago.

a boy and a girl fell in love.

and now they're havin' a baby.

(they got married first).

happy anniversary zach and stef!

I love you both and I love that you love each other.

can't wait for baby beckham to come out (although he looks super cute in stef's tummy).

{love song of the day}

listen to: to make you feel my love (as sung by kris allen). it will make you happy (and it's lovely).

you and I.

love song of the day: you and I

original by stevie wonder

redone by michael buble.

both give me chills.

I LOVE LOVE

welcome to FEBRUARY. the loveliest of all the months.

Confession.

I am a hopeless romantic.

Seriously, I'm such a girl.

A movie, a song, a book, a tv show...I too often fall in love with people (or characters rather) and find myself thinking about them all the time.

I obsess over serendipitous topics in my head.

I play my life like a movie in my head.

I just know that all boys are going to say exactly what I want/need them to in my head.

I dream of black and white

red lipstick with matching nail polish

perfectly curled hair

always wearing the perfect dress

a gentleman in a perfectly pressed suit

oh and don't forget the perfect music playing in the background.

I think I watch too many love movies?

I watched Pearl Harbor yesterday.

Always forget how good that movie is. It's sad. and romantic. I love it.

Now.

Because it is February and I love love,

I'm going to dedicate each day of this month to love.

hey that's what life's all about right?

I think so.

Not just romantic love {although that kind is wonderful}

but also

the friendly kind

the family kind

and any kind that makes you smile {which is every kind}.

love song of the day:

by hellogoodbye

one of my favorites.

2 months.

have you ever thought about butterflies? I mean really thought about them?

I remember learning about the life cycle of a butterfly in 2nd grade.

the caterpillar.
the cocoon.
the butterfly.

wikipedia told me

A butterfly is seen as the personification of a person's soul; whether they be living, dying, or already dead.

The Ancient Greek word for "butterfly" is ψυχή (psȳchē), which primarily means "soul", "mind".

I like that. I also like it when boys give me butterflies. It's so much better that way. All of those words that you think of when you think of a butterfly, I like the way those words feel. I liked it when I would feel that way everyday. But now I have to wait for the monday mail.