I'm in repair. 

I'm not together, 

but I'm getting there. 

-john mayer

"I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind."

-Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

of every blessing.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. 

Prone to leave the God I love. 

Here's my heart, O take and seal it. 

Seal it for Thy courts above. 

grandpa.

six years ago today

I found out I had appendicitis.
(reluctantly...I was in a great deal of pain, but my mom didn't want me to go to the doctor if it wasn't a big deal...she was willing if I was sure it was serious...which of course I wasn't  because I am never sure.)

I went to Dr. Mitch.
He poked me (particularly right on top of the parts that hurt)
(which made them hurt worse)
He hit the bottom of my foot (which again forced pain into the parts that already hurt)
He said things.
Things I don't really remember, except
I am 99.9% sure you have appendicitis. 
Go to the emergency room. Right away. 
If I'm right, you'll need to have it removed.


My mom drove me (in her red bug) to the ER.
We didn't say much...other than,
"Good thing we came to the doctor?"

Indeed.

I remember the lady asking me to number my pain.
Which was far too much pressure for my anxiety-filled mind.
What if I say the wrong number? What if they don't believe me?


When I had a moment to think,
I cried.
And my mom let me cry.


They ran more tests on me.
He was .1% unsure (which meant more tests)
They were uncomfortable (the kind that make me cringe)

I waited.
My brother and dad came before the surgery
(the surgery they knew for sure I now needed)
And they placed their hands on my head.

I cried then too.

My mom was by my side the whole time.
As they poked me with needles and questioned me and told me things.
She walked me down the same hallway that she had taken my grandpa 8 years before (almost to the day)
The same hallway that took him,
but didn't bring him back.

When I awoke they were there.
My mom. And my dad.
With smiles.

It may not seem like anything of importance to anyone else.
Routine surgery.
I know there are far worse things.
But I was 14.
And I was scared.

When I look back on it.

Sometimes I still cry. 

Not because it was a huge deal, 

Not because it was really that significant,

but because it is (almost) tangible evidence of the family that has changed my life.  

The family that makes me eternally grateful,

That my mom will never leave my side (even if she isn't phsyically with me)

That both my dad and my brother can bless me (in more ways than one)

That I get to be related to some of the most Christ-like people I know.

The reason behind this ridiculously long post (which I apologize for)...is the realization (a long time coming) that, I am one blessed girl. And I have the family to prove it.

be not afraid.

"You who pray sometimes, why not pray more regularly, more often, more devoutly? Is time so precious, life so short, or faith so scant? . . . Do you pray occasionally when you should be praying regularly, often, constantly? . . . Do you just speak, or do you also listen? . . . Do you give thanks or merely ask for favors?"

-Spencer W. Kimball

"Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

Joshua 1:9

just touched down in london town.

I HAVE ARRIVED.
my adventures in London can be found here.
I might still be updating this blog...but mostly I'll be on that one.
CHEERS!

leaving on a jetplane.

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go. 

Okay. I'm not quite ready, but I'm working on it (7am I promise, I'll be ready when you roll around). 
I've said lots of goodbyes. But none of them really felt like goodbyes.
They've felt more like I'll see you again soon. 
Deceiving. I won't be seeing anyone anytime soon. 
Except for all of those lovely ladies I'll be spending my time with in London. 
I can't believe it is actually here.
Something that I've dreamed about forever.
England has always been a place of magic and class and sophistication (in my mind). 
Real life, I believe, will be even better.
Here's to the next four months. 
Here's to an adventure. 
London, I'll see you soon. 

steel magnolias.

Last night I watched Steel Magnolias for the first time.

At one point I was crying.

Actual tears coming down my cheeks (hardly happens for me in movies)

During that same scene,

 I actually laughed out loud.

My kind of movie.

she & him.

SHE

K really? I love her. 

She rocks out with her tambourine.

(I dream of being on stage rocking out with a tambourine someday)

She's adorable.

I'm in love with her voice.

She has the best style of anyone anywhere.

She can act.

She plays the ukulele.

She's basically my idol.

Oh & HIM? 

His voice is darn sexy.

Their concert = everything I could have dreamed of + more.

if only I could have been just a little closer... 

or she and I were best friends

or I was her...

if only.

Our attempt at a picture with the stage.

Don't mind my awful videography skills. 

ah. LOVE. 

trunky.

According to a lady I work with I've been "trunky" for quite some time.
But now I'm finally at the end of the countdown (or at least one of them) and it is feeling pretty great.

Tomorrow is my last day of work.

right now I'm extremely bored (I'm no longer needed at my place of work). and I keep thinking of one of my favorite movies. or at least a quote from it.

Do we live in the physical world that we can touch, or do we live in the world that we create in our minds?

(my sassy girl)

so which is it? I think both.
easy way out? maybe.

everyone has their own creation inside of what they feel the real world is like.

right?

not really. this is so random.
I think I need to brush up on my philosophical reading.
(circles on a board + random philosophers names keep popping up in my head from my humanities 201 class)
it's been far too long.

a little gem.

I received this quote in my email today:

“Patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!”

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “Continue in Patience,” Ensign, May 2010, 57

And I thought I'd share. 

sunday spiritual snack.

"I'm grateful that God allows tragedies and trials to occur in our lives--not because they're easy or because they're desired, but because they help us love."

Watch this video on forgiveness. It is beautiful. 


I had the opportunity to attend Sunday School with my parents today. It was taught by one of my favorite teachers I had growing up. We learned about Job. (A story that, for some reason, gives me the right kind of hope). I sat between my mom and dad and it made me feel extra wonderful. And I think that lessons emphasizing integrity are always worthwhile. 


A quote from Elder Worthlin:
"Integrity means always doing what is right and good, regardless of the immediate consequences. It means being righteous from the very depth of our soul, not only in our actions but, more importantly, in our thoughts and in our hearts. Personal integrity implies such trustworthiness and incorruptibility that we are incapable of being false to a trust or covenant."


happy sabbath!

changing things.

I leave in ten days.

To the land of wizards and things.

I'M EXCITED.

and a little scared.

But we'll focus on the first part! 

my happy thoughts:
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 1) will come out while I am in London (YES)
Joshua Radin will still be on his UK tour
I get Thanksgiving off while I'm there (even though they don't celebrate it..duh)
I'm going with some basically awesome girls
including this one:

 (I love her)
I get to be in London during Fall (possibly my favorite season)
I will be living in a place with an address that actually sounds magical
I will get to start wearing my hunter rain boots
The museums are FREE
(which means I get to go any time I want)
Soon I'll be attending as many plays and musicals as I possibly can
I'm going to be someplace new
and that sounds perfect right about now.

"If we only dwell in our comfort, the world will probably pass us by, and nothing will change.

We may never become who we truly want and are intended to be." 

Kristen Moeller

diving into a strong current.

I've been trying to post something on this thing for about a week.

But I have come up with nothing.

I have a lot to say.

My brain feels extremely tangled.

All the time.

Yet for some reason,

I have

nothing to write.

Which is odd,

for me.

I'm blaming it on emotional exhaustion (even if it is all in my head)

I really have been wanting, no, needing to share something. Anything.

(Don't ask me why, it's just the way it is)

So. I resulted to book quotes.

I only dream of creating such quotes myself.

(In the novel I'll write someday, of course)

I was exploring quotes from The Alchemist.

I read it in 10th grade. I remember it as a book everyone hated, but secretly I loved it. I thoroughly enjoyed it. And I wish I could actually remember it. Remembering it's goodness is well enough, I suppose. 

Here are some I found to be exceptionally lovely. 
(and applicable) 

"When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too." 

"...making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision." 

"And, when you can't go back, you have to worry only about the best way of moving forward." 

quotes

Paul Coelho

 Simple. But inspiring? 

I think so.

speckles.

I love those moments.

the really good ones.

You know, 

the ones where you are awed.

or amazed.

or blown away.

Like when you're up in the mountains.

Somewhere on top. 

Or in your backyard.

Or laying on the grass at an outdoor movie.

Or on a swing in a place from the past.
Or just in the middle of an apartment complex (where there's an opening to the sky) (at the playground)

And you can see the stars. 

The speckle stars. 

(smaller, less noticeable (unless you're looking), that cover completely)

Similar to the speckle freckles on my skin,

only in the sky.

The fewer the lights,

the better the speckles.

Those moments have been on my mind as of late. 

two songs that I'm obsessed with today:

persuasion.

She understood him. He could not forgive her,--but he could not be unfeeling. Though condemning her for the past, and considering it with high and unjust resentment, though perfectly careless of her, and though becoming attached to another, still he could not see her suffer, without the desire of giving her relief. It was a remainder of former sentiment; it was an impulse of pure, though unacknowledged friendship; it was a proof of his own warm and amiable heart, which she could not contemplate without emotions so compounded of pleasure and pain, that she knew not which prevailed. 

Oh Anne and Captain Wentworth. Your tension is killing me. And I am reading this book far too slow. (Jane does write beautifully though)

quote from Jane Austen's Persuasion

[love is more thicker than forget]

BY E. E. CUMMINGS

love is more thicker than forget

more thinner than recall

more seldom than a wave is wet

more frequent than to fail

it is more mad and moonly

and less it shall unbe

than all the sea which only

is deeper than the sea

love is less always than to win

less never than alive

less bigger than the least begin

less littler than forgive

it is most sane and sunly

and more it cannot die

than all the sky which only

is higher than the sky

via

I found this poem. 

Isn't it delightful?

I like that it stands pretty on its own.

No need to go deep, 

but you can if you want to.

I remember when Mr. Davis introduced E.E. Cummings to me my sophomore year of high school. 

That was a good year. 

My mom told me I was obsessed with love. 

I say...

Maybe just a little bit. 

Oh well. 

Because, really, what can I do about it? 

I'm a hopeless romantic. 

(Just as I've mentioned...many times before)

this time.

This song makes me extremely happy.

maybe it's the way that the night is still 

or the sound of the rain on my window sill.

the thunder is booming. 
and I love it.

I found this screen shot on my desktop the other day:

(I really do want to do that)

I also found this one:

(good advice)

My favorite one was this shot though:

(it really is good to share)

I am always very productive whilst in the Library (obviously). 

What?

Don't YOU listen to iTunes and check out everyone's music library name while you study?

Well, next time you probably should. It's worth it.

This is the end of my random post. 

nighty night. 

dear joshua,

it was about four years ago that I first fell in love with you.
your yummy vocals and sweet lyrics.
who wouldn't, right?
today I found out that you will be in the same city as me on October 19th.
that city happens to be a little place called London.
I can't think of a better place for us to fall in love.
and get married (eventually).

let me know what you think!

in the mean time, I guess I'll just buy tickets to your show.

see you soon,

molly jane. (the future mrs. radin)

living the dream.

FACT:

BUT JANE AUSTEN IS KILLING ME. 

I have no problem watching her stories. They are awesome, in fact. 

Even the 5 hour Pride and Prejudice. It was fabulous. 

Reading them, however, is a different story (ha). 

I have four weeks to read four books. (oh the joys of procrastination)

Pride and Prejudice. Northanger Abbey. Emma. Persuasion.

I know I'll like them if I can just get into them.

But can I do it?

I have to do it.

(embarrassing) FACT:

I don't do my own laundry.

I live at home, always have. I have an awesome mom. Don't judge.

Having said that, my mentality has always been...

I know!

I'm spoiled. (spoiled sweet, of course)

I should probably learn how to do this before I go...

It's kind of important.

anyway...

In a month from today I will be arriving in LONDON. 

Heathrow Airport, 7am

I'll be in a city I've never been.

In a country I've never been.

On a continent I've never been.

I've been dreaming about this for a long time now.

I want to live in London.

Exciting, no? 

Nervous?

YES.

I'm leaving my job of 2 years.

A place where I'm comfortable, with people I know.

I'm leaving Provo.

I've lived here for 20 years.

The longest I've been away from Provo? 

Once, when in Newport Beach (a yearly week long trip for the Moon's)

My great grandma died.

So we got to stay an extra week.

2 weeks. That's the longest I've been away.

And guess what I decided??

This little girl is growing up! 

hahahahah.

Well, not really. 

But I'm doing grown up things. 

Which totally counts. 

Right??

Riiiight. 

you have to try.

"Love is passion. Obsession. Someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heals. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk. If you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is, there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love--well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

-meet joe black

image

miracles.

A few months ago I started reading Peace Like a River and on the third page of the book I read a few paragraphs that just stuck with me from the moment I saw them. I haven't been able to get the words out of my mind. I fell in love with them a little bit. (Sadly, I haven't had time to read more than a few chapter out of this book...) I have been needing to share it. So, please read.

"Let me say something about that word: miracle. For too long it's been used to characterize things or events that, though pleasant, are entirely normal. Peeping chicks at Easter time, spring generally, a clear sunrise after an overcast week--a miracle, people say, as if they've been educated from greeting cards. I'm sorry, but nope. Such things are worth our notice every day of the week, but to call them miracles evaporates the strength of the word.

Real miracles bother people, like strange sudden pains unknown in medical literature. It's true: They rebut every rule all we good citizens take comfort in. Lazarus obeying orders and climbing up out of the grave--now there's a miracle, and you can bet it upset a lot of folks who were standing around at the time. When a person dies, the earth is generally unwilling to cough him back up. A miracle contradicts the will of earth.

...People fear miracles because they fear being changed--though ignoring them will change you also...No miracle happens without a witness. Someone to declare, Here's what I saw. Here's how it went. Make of it what you will."

I like that this quote mentions Lazarus. His story happens to be my favorite miracle in the New Testament. I love Christ's compassion. The love he has for Mary and Martha. For Lazarus. He cares deeply for the situation and you can tell how much it hurts seeing his friends have to go through such pain. It's beautiful.

I have always been fascinated by miracles. The beauty of them. The sacredness of them. The way they are rare and humbling and divine. I think part of this may have to do with the struggle of my birth. I always loved it when my mom told the story when I was younger. I wasn't breathing when I came out. Extremely sick, saved by a man who just happened to be at the hospital at two in the morning and who just happened to see the emergency call for help (whatever the special light/code is at the hospital). He was the specific doctor I needed. He had the kind of skills that would rescue me.
In the story my mom tells, she never forgets the prayers that were said.

And how the nurses dubbed me Miracle Molly. Because, my life truly was a miracle.

Had the circumstances been slightly different in one way or another, I would not have made it.

I'm lucky. No. I'm blessed. To have a mom who tells me stories like this. Who points out the important parts of life. And who sees Heavenly Father in everything.

I adore the fact that the quote above talks about miracles in such a different way.

Fear of change. 


Make of it what you will. 

sure, she's got everything.

Proper women sick of swimmin'

Ready to stand

And ready to know what the people know

Ask 'em my questions and get some answers

What's a fire and why does it - what's the word?

Burn?

When's it my turn?

Wouldn't I love, love to explore that world up above?

Out of the sea

Wish I could be

Part of that world

hahahaha.

gems.

 

quotes

picture

dad.

A long time ago, I remember waking up in the middle of the night and becoming amazingly upset. I had had some nightmare that caused me to really think about life and how, without any say on my part, it could just end at any time. Death and loss gave me a feeling of discomfort (as it does most people, I believe). I hated that feeling...the thought of everything ending. Life over. Possibly being alone forever.

I had always been taught at church that our families are forever, life doesn't end with death. One of the great things about this being that we will never be alone. 

But I have an imagination...and I (without control) think every possible situation through to the core...so I could not help but think about what it might be like if forever consisted of nothing. Darkness. No one but yourself. Completely alone.

These thoughts scared me to the point of breathlessness.

As the thoughts grew in my mind I began to cry and tumble into a worried mess.
(My preteen self was completely unable to handle this type of self-inflicted stress)

And somehow, through all of my anxiety, my dad ended up right next to me. He sat me up in my bed, automatically trying to fix the pain I had caused myself.

His comfort was immediate.

He reassured me with something similar to this,
no matter what happens in life (or outside of it), I will always have prayer.
And because of that reason, that truth,
I will never be alone.

(side note* the reason for the emphasis on being alone...my biggest fear has always been a fear of being alone in life)

Of course, I can't remember his exact words, or all of the wisdom that he shared with me.
But I remember the feeling I got from my father that night.
I knew that no matter what happened in my life that he would love me.
That he knew that I was a daughter of God and regardless of
the stresses, the worries, or the hardships of life...
he would do everything in his power to make sure I am alright.
To make sure that I know how much I am loved
To make sure that I know how deeply he cares for me.
To make sure that I know how life is hard, but it's always, completely worth it.
And the knowledge I gained, knowing my dad would be a constant in my life, changed my world forever.

I'm sure he does not remember that specific night. And I'm also sure there has been many moments like it since then. He's always been that way with me...a shoulder to cry on, someone to reassure me that everything will be okay, a person to trust with all that I have.

And for that I am so grateful.

Thanks daddy, for everything that you are. For being my go-to for all the times I need someone. Thanks for being patient with me. For never letting me settle.

And thanks for reading my blog :)
You are truly one of the best parts of my life.
I'm glad you were born. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

photo booth.

A little journey into the place that is photo booth on my lap top...

This is why I love it so much...and how I take complete advantage of such a tool.

                                      

I get to make people celebrate the fact that I got my passport in the mail (even when they are in texas)

Sometimes I get a surprise of lovely (and rather attractive) pictures such as this one.

I get the opportunity to have lots of bonding time with my brother.

If I ever need advice on whether an outfit I picked out is totally awesome or totally not (and I'm alone...) I can email it to someone to check out (like when they leave me for texas).

If I'm super excited about a prize someone won for me, I can document it.

Again, lots of lovely photos of/with my brothers (bonding for sure)

I can attempt to capture pretty scenes on campus (even if they don't work out...)

I can document wonderful moments such as this (mom in the hospital...haha)

I can show everyone how much my nephew loves me (and he's so happy about it!)

I am able to share and let other people enjoy (as much as I did) the scene in the picture above. (During finals this girl just put two chairs together in the periodicals, cuddled up, and went to sleep, NBD)

I have found that entertainment comes quite easily during the fabulous hours of anthropology with handsome rob (when you have photo booth of course)

I can remember humorous/ironic moments such as the one documented above. 

And I can document my amazement when I find really small paper clips (what would you even use that for??)

Don't know what I'd do without it. 

she's a married woman.

My best friend was married today. And this picture basically sums it all up.

I love her. 

(and Eric too)

As you can tell, he loves mine and Hayley's relationship (the stare down) 

Weddings are wonderful.

I love love.

The new Mr. and Mrs. Markus are perfectly happy and crazy in love.

(that's the way it should be).

neverland.

"Wendy,' Peter Pan continued in a voice no woman has ever yet been able to resist, 'Wendy', one girl is more use than twenty boys."

"Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."


(-Peter Pan...one of my favorite books...one that I will read to my children)

Sometimes I think I have some sort of Peter Pan complex. 

I don't want to grow up.

Never, ever. 

But, eventually I will.

I have to, I guess.

I keep pretending that when I go to London, this will happen.

I also keep pretending I'm going to Neverland.

Contradicting?

Exactly.

hopefully, peter pan will come to my window (in London, of course) and speak to me in that irresistible voice of his and take me away to neverland. (and hopefully, he'll be an older peter pan...one around my age...not 12 hahah)

yes, that would be lovely.