on vulnerability.

Do you ever have a nagging thought/idea/question in your head for what feels like forever and then you come across something that is exactly what you were thinking about? It happens to me all the time. I don't know if it is divine intervention or what, but I am grateful for it. I like to call it a tender mercy--the hand of God in my life. It makes sense to me and it makes me feel less alone. 

Since becoming a mom I feel as if my emotions run deeper. And along with that I am constantly searching for what "enough" is. Am I enough? Have I done enough? What more can I do? Always more. Never enough.

It is tiring and heartbreaking and confusing. Don't get me wrong, I feel happy. Generally and most of the time, I am okay. But I have those moments of doubt. Of fear. Of jealousy. Of disappointment in myself. I'm human. And I don't mean this as a catchall. I mean it as a reality. Humans are emotional beings--they feel things and they interact and connect. It's hard. It's exhausting. It is real. 

I've been trying to pinpoint what I mean by all of this, why I have been thinking about it. And then I came across this TED talk. Everyone should watch it. As I watched, I was dumbfounded with how much of it had already been filling my thoughts. She covers everything I have been struggling with. 

Here is a quote from the talk that just put to ease everything I needed it to: 

"This is what I have found: to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough," then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves."

Being vulnerable is something I need to work on. I want to remember that it is okay to feel, because that's how life is done. I want to remember that I am enough and being me honestly and entirely IS enough. Sometimes social media makes it difficult to not want to be more or different than who you are, but I think it is embracing ourselves that makes social media such a wonderful thing. 

So, here is to being more authentic and vulnerable to who I am. 

birth story // lucy jane 7.21.14 // part two

//

Checking into the hospital (for real this time!) made me feel so giddy. It was surreal knowing my baby girl was no longer going to be inside of me and everyone would get to enjoy her sweet spirit. There were a couple of things I knew...I wanted my epidural quick and I really wanted my family to get there.

By the time I had gotten to the hospital I hadn't slept for almost three days! 

The first nurse I had was great. She got me all hooked up and was really nice. She talked to me about the epidural and how they would probably come in and break my water to get things moving along. I asked her if I would get my epidural before or after they broke my water and she said it was up to me but I probably wouldn't need it until after. As time passed though she could tell I was hurting and would want it sooner rather than later so she went and got the anesthesiologist.

Dr. Groesbeck came in and was prepping me for my epidural. I told him that I knew his daughter Rebbie and he realized he knew my family. It was nice to have a connection because I was kind of nervous about this epidural business but also quite looking forward to it. I was surprised that I didn't even flinch and it really wasn't that big of a deal. Dr. Groesbeck called me a "model patient" which I, of course, was pleased with. He also told me it was easier because I was skinny--haha.

The epidural made me pretty shaky. And I wasn't the biggest fan of having my legs as numb as they were. One of them ended up being more numb than the other and that was SO uncomfortable. But it was better than the pain. I got flavored ice chips which also made things better. Dr. Thorpe was the doctor on call for just a little longer so he came in and broke my water. What a WEIRD feeling. I was partly numb and it was just weird. I don't even think I can explain it. It was kind of funny because at that point my parents and sister had gotten there and I had sort of lost any sense of shame. At that point I didn't really care who was seeing what (which is SO unlike me!).

The shifts changed and I got a new nurse and eventually a new doctor. I loved this nurse just as much as I had the last. As they monitored baby girl during my contractions they realized her heart rate kept dropping with each one. They said that normally that isn't a problem as long as the heart rate goes back up quickly. For Lucy it started to become a problem because it was getting difficult for her to get back up to a normal rate. After a few hours Dr. Dabbling came in to discuss this with me. She was so sweet and concerned and talked me through everything. She wanted me to know that at this point, if they couldn't get her to regulate they would need to do an emergency c-section. It wasn't to this point yet, but they would make sure they were monitoring to be sure baby was okay.

The thought of a c-section kind of freaked me out, but everything felt just kind of surreal so I was going with whatever was happening. The longer I sat around the more and more uncomfortable I got. With Lucy's heart dropping they decided to give me some extra oxygen and for some reason I hated wearing the oxygen mask it made me more uncomfortable and stressed me out. I wanted this baby girl to get out safe and quick! After what felt like forever, the nurse came in to help me start pushing. There was also a resident doctor there who had been mostly observing the whole time. She was nice enough, but a little awkward at times.

Once we started pushing we found out that Dr. Dabbling had been called into an emergency c-section. But I didn't need to worry because she would probably be ready to help me once we were a little farther along. I'm not going to lie, the pushing was HARD. It was a sensation I don't think I can even explain. My body needed to push, I wanted to push, but it hurt and was exhausting. And my numb legs were driving me crazy. I remember thinking, "Maybe I should have just gone with the c-section when they offered it...this is rough!" haha.

The baby was definitely coming and my amazing nurse was so encouraging every time I pushed. But we realized at this point, Dr. Dabbling might not be here to deliver my sweet girl. I honestly didn't even care in the moment, I just wanted her out of me! I wanted to push and push and push and get her there. We looked at the resident doctor who had been there the whole time and she suddenly became difficult and kept insisting we wait for Dr. Dabbling and that I should probably slow down with the pushing. That maybe I should hold in for a few  contractions. Let me tell you right now, NEVER say that to a woman in labor. I looked at her and said, "Have you never done this before? If you don't think you can do it I definitely don't want you doing it, but I am NOT going to stop pushing. I literally can not do that." The nurse was on my side and let me know I didn't have to stop. Hallelujah! haha.

I knew Lucy was almost here...everyone was talking about how they could see her hair! After a little more than an hour, Dr. Thorpe (the doctor from the previous shift) swooped in and saved the day (seriously, it felt like that!). He stepped right up, gave me instructions on how to push, cut me open just a little wider (yikes, right?) and out she came!

It was a surreal and sweet moment. I could tell when he took her out she couldn't really breathe. It was quiet, her body was purplish and her cord was wrapped around her neck a couple of times. But Dr. Thorpe immediately unwrapped her, cut her cord and laid her down on my belly. She was beautiful. And finally making noise! Girlfriend had a serious set of lungs, of that we were sure.

Once they weighed her, cleaned her up and sorted everything out, they realized she was breathing funny. So they prepared her to take her to the NICU. Jeff went with the nurses to accompany her. They were back about five minutes later. Apparently by the time they got to NICU her breathing was completely normal so they didn't even need to admit her. Happy, happy, happy! I was heart broken to see my baby girl leave the room, but just to have her here and healthy was incredible. The most special thing from the whole birthing experience is by far skin-to-skin. Holding that tiny little human so near (literally) to my heart and feeling her breathe and scream her little bird screech was better than anything I had ever experienced. I was exhausted, more than I had ever been in my life, but everything about this felt so right and real and meant to be.

Lucy Jane and her 5 lb 12 ounce tiny body, dark (but with other colors too??) hair that curled perfectly on top of her head, and perfect little features on her face had my heart from long before she was born, but holding that tiny little body close to mine changed my entire world.

5 pounds of sweet, sweet heaven

on being so much sunshine in every square inch.

When I first had Lucy I didn't want to forget anything so I kept little notes in my phone of the things she was doing that I loved or couldn't get enough of. There were songs that kept playing in my head... you are my sunshine, every little thing she does is magic, lucy in the sky with diamonds!, so many that fit to these tiny little moments so perfectly. I have a hard time coming up with just the right words to express what I truly feel so I gravitate towards other peoples' words that seem to fit just so.

The other day I came across a quote that said exactly what I've been trying to come up with every day when Lucy shows a little bit more of her personality.

"You are so much sunshine in every square inch." (Walt Whitman)*

When I read those words it was like the pieces I had been trying to put together for so long finally fell into place with a sudden click. It was my brilliant, "A-ha!" moment. But less abrupt--more like a smooth "ahhh." I'm sure I sound like I'm nuts, but this is Lucy in exactness. She is SO MUCH sunshine in every square inch.

I would imagine a lot of people feel this way about their babies, but of course, I am limited only to what I know of her. And she. She is so much.

four month old lucy jane 

*The quote I found said it was by Walt Whitman. Which it sort of is. After some research I found that the original Whitman quote is, "Some people are so much sunshine to the square inch." So, close enough.