living the dream.

FACT:

BUT JANE AUSTEN IS KILLING ME. 

I have no problem watching her stories. They are awesome, in fact. 

Even the 5 hour Pride and Prejudice. It was fabulous. 

Reading them, however, is a different story (ha). 

I have four weeks to read four books. (oh the joys of procrastination)

Pride and Prejudice. Northanger Abbey. Emma. Persuasion.

I know I'll like them if I can just get into them.

But can I do it?

I have to do it.

(embarrassing) FACT:

I don't do my own laundry.

I live at home, always have. I have an awesome mom. Don't judge.

Having said that, my mentality has always been...

I know!

I'm spoiled. (spoiled sweet, of course)

I should probably learn how to do this before I go...

It's kind of important.

anyway...

In a month from today I will be arriving in LONDON. 

Heathrow Airport, 7am

I'll be in a city I've never been.

In a country I've never been.

On a continent I've never been.

I've been dreaming about this for a long time now.

I want to live in London.

Exciting, no? 

Nervous?

YES.

I'm leaving my job of 2 years.

A place where I'm comfortable, with people I know.

I'm leaving Provo.

I've lived here for 20 years.

The longest I've been away from Provo? 

Once, when in Newport Beach (a yearly week long trip for the Moon's)

My great grandma died.

So we got to stay an extra week.

2 weeks. That's the longest I've been away.

And guess what I decided??

This little girl is growing up! 

hahahahah.

Well, not really. 

But I'm doing grown up things. 

Which totally counts. 

Right??

Riiiight. 

you have to try.

"Love is passion. Obsession. Someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heals. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk. If you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is, there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love--well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

-meet joe black

image

miracles.

A few months ago I started reading Peace Like a River and on the third page of the book I read a few paragraphs that just stuck with me from the moment I saw them. I haven't been able to get the words out of my mind. I fell in love with them a little bit. (Sadly, I haven't had time to read more than a few chapter out of this book...) I have been needing to share it. So, please read.

"Let me say something about that word: miracle. For too long it's been used to characterize things or events that, though pleasant, are entirely normal. Peeping chicks at Easter time, spring generally, a clear sunrise after an overcast week--a miracle, people say, as if they've been educated from greeting cards. I'm sorry, but nope. Such things are worth our notice every day of the week, but to call them miracles evaporates the strength of the word.

Real miracles bother people, like strange sudden pains unknown in medical literature. It's true: They rebut every rule all we good citizens take comfort in. Lazarus obeying orders and climbing up out of the grave--now there's a miracle, and you can bet it upset a lot of folks who were standing around at the time. When a person dies, the earth is generally unwilling to cough him back up. A miracle contradicts the will of earth.

...People fear miracles because they fear being changed--though ignoring them will change you also...No miracle happens without a witness. Someone to declare, Here's what I saw. Here's how it went. Make of it what you will."

I like that this quote mentions Lazarus. His story happens to be my favorite miracle in the New Testament. I love Christ's compassion. The love he has for Mary and Martha. For Lazarus. He cares deeply for the situation and you can tell how much it hurts seeing his friends have to go through such pain. It's beautiful.

I have always been fascinated by miracles. The beauty of them. The sacredness of them. The way they are rare and humbling and divine. I think part of this may have to do with the struggle of my birth. I always loved it when my mom told the story when I was younger. I wasn't breathing when I came out. Extremely sick, saved by a man who just happened to be at the hospital at two in the morning and who just happened to see the emergency call for help (whatever the special light/code is at the hospital). He was the specific doctor I needed. He had the kind of skills that would rescue me.
In the story my mom tells, she never forgets the prayers that were said.

And how the nurses dubbed me Miracle Molly. Because, my life truly was a miracle.

Had the circumstances been slightly different in one way or another, I would not have made it.

I'm lucky. No. I'm blessed. To have a mom who tells me stories like this. Who points out the important parts of life. And who sees Heavenly Father in everything.

I adore the fact that the quote above talks about miracles in such a different way.

Fear of change. 


Make of it what you will. 

sure, she's got everything.

Proper women sick of swimmin'

Ready to stand

And ready to know what the people know

Ask 'em my questions and get some answers

What's a fire and why does it - what's the word?

Burn?

When's it my turn?

Wouldn't I love, love to explore that world up above?

Out of the sea

Wish I could be

Part of that world

hahahaha.

gems.

 

quotes

picture

dad.

A long time ago, I remember waking up in the middle of the night and becoming amazingly upset. I had had some nightmare that caused me to really think about life and how, without any say on my part, it could just end at any time. Death and loss gave me a feeling of discomfort (as it does most people, I believe). I hated that feeling...the thought of everything ending. Life over. Possibly being alone forever.

I had always been taught at church that our families are forever, life doesn't end with death. One of the great things about this being that we will never be alone. 

But I have an imagination...and I (without control) think every possible situation through to the core...so I could not help but think about what it might be like if forever consisted of nothing. Darkness. No one but yourself. Completely alone.

These thoughts scared me to the point of breathlessness.

As the thoughts grew in my mind I began to cry and tumble into a worried mess.
(My preteen self was completely unable to handle this type of self-inflicted stress)

And somehow, through all of my anxiety, my dad ended up right next to me. He sat me up in my bed, automatically trying to fix the pain I had caused myself.

His comfort was immediate.

He reassured me with something similar to this,
no matter what happens in life (or outside of it), I will always have prayer.
And because of that reason, that truth,
I will never be alone.

(side note* the reason for the emphasis on being alone...my biggest fear has always been a fear of being alone in life)

Of course, I can't remember his exact words, or all of the wisdom that he shared with me.
But I remember the feeling I got from my father that night.
I knew that no matter what happened in my life that he would love me.
That he knew that I was a daughter of God and regardless of
the stresses, the worries, or the hardships of life...
he would do everything in his power to make sure I am alright.
To make sure that I know how much I am loved
To make sure that I know how deeply he cares for me.
To make sure that I know how life is hard, but it's always, completely worth it.
And the knowledge I gained, knowing my dad would be a constant in my life, changed my world forever.

I'm sure he does not remember that specific night. And I'm also sure there has been many moments like it since then. He's always been that way with me...a shoulder to cry on, someone to reassure me that everything will be okay, a person to trust with all that I have.

And for that I am so grateful.

Thanks daddy, for everything that you are. For being my go-to for all the times I need someone. Thanks for being patient with me. For never letting me settle.

And thanks for reading my blog :)
You are truly one of the best parts of my life.
I'm glad you were born. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

photo booth.

A little journey into the place that is photo booth on my lap top...

This is why I love it so much...and how I take complete advantage of such a tool.

                                      

I get to make people celebrate the fact that I got my passport in the mail (even when they are in texas)

Sometimes I get a surprise of lovely (and rather attractive) pictures such as this one.

I get the opportunity to have lots of bonding time with my brother.

If I ever need advice on whether an outfit I picked out is totally awesome or totally not (and I'm alone...) I can email it to someone to check out (like when they leave me for texas).

If I'm super excited about a prize someone won for me, I can document it.

Again, lots of lovely photos of/with my brothers (bonding for sure)

I can attempt to capture pretty scenes on campus (even if they don't work out...)

I can document wonderful moments such as this (mom in the hospital...haha)

I can show everyone how much my nephew loves me (and he's so happy about it!)

I am able to share and let other people enjoy (as much as I did) the scene in the picture above. (During finals this girl just put two chairs together in the periodicals, cuddled up, and went to sleep, NBD)

I have found that entertainment comes quite easily during the fabulous hours of anthropology with handsome rob (when you have photo booth of course)

I can remember humorous/ironic moments such as the one documented above. 

And I can document my amazement when I find really small paper clips (what would you even use that for??)

Don't know what I'd do without it. 

she's a married woman.

My best friend was married today. And this picture basically sums it all up.

I love her. 

(and Eric too)

As you can tell, he loves mine and Hayley's relationship (the stare down) 

Weddings are wonderful.

I love love.

The new Mr. and Mrs. Markus are perfectly happy and crazy in love.

(that's the way it should be).

neverland.

"Wendy,' Peter Pan continued in a voice no woman has ever yet been able to resist, 'Wendy', one girl is more use than twenty boys."

"Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."


(-Peter Pan...one of my favorite books...one that I will read to my children)

Sometimes I think I have some sort of Peter Pan complex. 

I don't want to grow up.

Never, ever. 

But, eventually I will.

I have to, I guess.

I keep pretending that when I go to London, this will happen.

I also keep pretending I'm going to Neverland.

Contradicting?

Exactly.

hopefully, peter pan will come to my window (in London, of course) and speak to me in that irresistible voice of his and take me away to neverland. (and hopefully, he'll be an older peter pan...one around my age...not 12 hahah)

yes, that would be lovely.

look for it.

"I wish you a story with a happy ending...and the wisdom to look for it."

-my sassy girl
(if you haven't seen this movie, you should watch it)

all I need.

I want a guy who can come over and hug me if that's all I need.

"I need a hug," I'll say to him.

And thirty minutes later, he'll be at my front door, arms open wide, ready to take me in and wrap me up in his affection.

-Mae Zein Eldeen

hugs are my favorite.

Remember here?

such wonderful things. 

They usually make me feel like 

for a moment, at least, 

all is well.

and sometimes that's all I really need to know.

julia roberts.

ahh. I love her. 

seriously.

watched notting hill today.

and I don't know if you knew this, 

but I'm actually going to be there in 48 days. 

(not that I'm counting or anything...)

that idea is,

surreal

but nice

the first time I saw this movie, I thought it was so pretty and glamorous,

yet it still felt like real life.

(and yes, I do know it is a movie)

I still think so.

I will always love julia roberts.

and I figured something out...

see that line down the middle of my forehead??

she's got a prominent one of those too. 

made me feel better about mine. 

just sayin'. 

last minute of the fourth quarter.

A text from today:

boy: mm...I don't waste time
me: This is true...I thrive on more time. I seem to play most of my life in the last minute of the 4th quarter. Something I'm working on, naturally. Ha.

Sometimes I amaze myself with how weird I am. (annnd random. hahah). Truly, it's kind of awesome. I have no idea where I come up with at least half of what I say. I almost always will have heard a guy I go out with/hang out with say "you are so weird" at least once by our second encounter.I say things that are generally well thought out, but after I say them....I always question myself..."Whaaat? Where in the world did that come from?"

I like to think that the weird they stamp on my forehead isn't the same weird that people link with outer space/psychedelic/super nerdy types of people (although I, at times, find nerds to be adorable).

But.

More of the, you're super cute and different and charming kind of weird.

You know, the good kind of different.

I'm not saying any of this to flatter myself, but mostly just to proclaim that I'm OK with it.

I honestly like who I am. I didn't mind when a boy told me how crazy I was (he proclaimed it as the good kind of crazy). I loved it when he called me unique. And told me he'd never met a girl like me before. (May sound cheesey to you, but all of these things were said with the utmost sincerity. Completely genuine. Which meant a lot).

I love that with each day I find out a little more about myself. I've learned lessons in my life that could not have been taught to me in any other way than how they were given.(Some lessons given multiple times)

This doesn't mean that I don't have great moments of insecurity, I don't have regrets and I don't get sad.

Because I do, I do, I do.

I'm an anxiety attack waiting to happen, I have an iPod that holds 120GB worth of music (for the sole reason, I will never need to worry about deciding my favorite music...because I can have it ALL eliminating any future decisions that might have been a dilemma with any other iPod), and I work best under the pressures of procrastination (self-proclaimed of course).

But.

I'm working on all of the above and I'm really trying. I take steps in both directions every single day. I think it's human nature, the need to be progressing. Which is funny, because people also fear change so much. Ironic, no? Life is ironic. I guess that's just the way it is. And I'm working on being happy with the way things are.

I think I'm doing pretty good with it.

and once again for the record...
I like me. Which I find to be good, because I've been stuck with myself for a while now and will be forever.

how's that for weird and random?

some things you should know about a friend of mine.

She cried once when she saw a truck upside down on the side of the road, because I drove one just like it. (even thought the truck was a different color than mine).

She cried harder when I had appendicitis and had to have surgery.

She was already at my house when a boy broke my heart my senior year of high school and I was crying uncontrollably. 

She took me to a BYU football game and expressed concern for the fans that were not in the light, because it was probably way colder in the darkness. (it was freezing all around and it was night, in case you were wondering).

She let me sing in her ear during English every day Sophomore year of high school.

She memorized the entire chew out scene of A Cinderella Story with me. (we also attempted one of our favorite rap songs...but changed our minds once we saw the lyrics...)
She has a spot on her forehead that, when pushed makes her fall straight to the ground.
She's the one I thought of when I watched Christina jump into bed with Meredith and Derek on Grey's. (can't wait to do that with her and Eric... ha).

She also turned 20 today and is getting married on the 21st of this month.
I cried when I saw her bridals (it's kind of a big deal, her getting married)


Hays, I love you lots and lots. And couldn't be happier for you.
happy birthday

happy thoughts

It really, really does.
And yes, I will be in LONDON for this premiere. Be jealous.
And yes, I will be leaving for LONDON in 53 days. Not bad at all.
Sorry Provo, I won't be missing you too much.

Does the trailer to this give you chills?? Me, it does.

Maybe the cutest thing ever? I forgot how awesome this movie is.

Hahahahahhaahaha. This is one of my favorite (if not my favorite) SNL skits. It always makes me laugh. Out loud. It never gets old. (That was for you Casey).

I know, I do lots of cool things with my time.

remember me.

"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it. Because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says you're nowhere near ready, but the other half says: make her yours forever."
.

"Love's involved with spending time together, but spending time apart, can lead to loving even more"
.

"If you could hear me, I would say that our finger prints don't fade from the lives we've touched."

quotes

"On a really dark night, you can see between 1,000 and 1,500 stars, and there are millions more that haven't been discovered. It is so easy to think that the world revolves around you, but all you have to do is stare up at the sky to realize it isn't that way at all."

My Sister's Keeper (the book)

I am grateful for friends. And for all the people that love me. The people I love, too.

I love learning. My road trip down South opened my eyes to a lot of things. Thank you to all who contributed to the beauty that was my adventure in Louisiana/Texas. I feel like any experience is able to give out learning opportunities, ours for the taking at all times. That scares me, but I love it all the same.

This past week has been hard.

But it has also been wonderful in so many ways.

The 4th of July makes me happy, it is one of the best holidays for sure. Fireworks, family, freedom. What could be better? Not much.

Oh I know what might make it a little better...

this guy.

quite odd.

I feel like I've been gone for five years.

It's only been a week.

But so much changed in that week.

Too much, I think.

I miss all my favorite people I left in the south.

And I missed all my favorite people I've come back to.

Here's to optimism. It's seemed to always work best for me.